Isolation Update - April 24th

It's been a weird couple of weeks.

I've officially been off work for over a month now and I honestly could not tell you what I've been doing with all my time. Lots of animal crossing for sure, some Dead By Daylight, and getting back into cross stitching which is a nice touch.

To no one's surprise, I've been using video games to avoid thinking about the full existential event that's happening outside my apartment, and if that's how I need to cope with what's going on in the world, I guess it isn't the worst thing.

Trying to look on the plus side of being stuck at home, like I mentioned, I've gotten myself to pick up cross stitching again which I'm really happy about. Even better, since thread and supplies are harder to obtain, I'll maybe actually get through the current projects I have going!

A lot of my time at home has helped me learn that my perception of time is terrible, so I've been using this opportunity to try and help myself realize how little time it takes to actually... do things. I feel like a big reason why I dropped off cross stitching was that I had the preconceived notion that it takes all this mental power to focus on, and I have to sit down and do a bunch of it to make it worth my time. In actuality, I am fully capable of, say, stitching and watching TV simultaneously. Granted some shows require more attention than others but it doesn't have to be this big daunting activity that consumes all my time and focus. I know this may sound ridiculous and mundane but my brain works very hard to pit itself against me so I'm just trying to work with it lol.

I've been fortunate enough to still be receiving a paycheck of some kind from my employer since our café location was closed, so my time at home has been bittersweet. One part of me says "take the time off, almost everything happening is beyond your control, enjoy this time and make the best of it". The other part of me is like "it’s possible for you to work at other locations so you should be out there earning your paycheck and not sitting on your ass all day". It's been a weird see-saw to sit on. I haven't beat myself up over it too much, just because the only thing that I can currently do to help and be in control of, is staying home. And since I'm financially capable of doing so, I try not to feel bad.

I was playing a party game a couple months ago with a group of friends and the concept was a question or statement would be presented, and each person had to pick an individual who they thought most related to it. One that popped up was something along the lines of "who would worry about missing work if an apocalypse happened?" and literally everyone, including myself, answered Me lol. I've been a retail work horse for the past almost 7 years of my life. I'm so used to feeling like I need 40+ hours a week, or feeling guilty when my hours are lower, that I should be working more and not enjoying my time at home. I thought it would be more striking but... it really wasn't. I guess I was able to subconsciously rationalize that, given the current pandemic, I'm allowed to stay at home and rest for once.

I initially started out my quarantine with trying to do small exercises throughout the day, nothing too strenuous or time-consuming. I started out strong but gradually fell off, especially when I wasn't sure if my store was opening again or not. Over the last couple days though (as of writing this) I've picked up playing the VR game Beat Saber again and, man, I forgot how much that can be a workout if you play long enough. A new free song was added that requires a lot of squatting / kneeling to avoid obstacles and it is one hell of a work out. My legs are way more sore than I anticipated which I'm glad about. Leaving the house outside of getting essentials, even just for walks, can still be nerve-wracking at times so it's nice to have an entertaining way to stay moving.

Finding the hobby of writing (about video games, or journaling in general) I feel came to me at a really convenient time. I started before things really blew up here in Canada, and having the time now to play games and enjoy them, and write about them has been a good way to channel my energy and feel productive. I forgot what it was like to actually create something and how much pleasure you can get out of it. I'm still very anxious and self-conscious of my writing; sometimes I feel like there isn't really a point to it so why do I bother. But I'm working hard to control these thoughts and work past them and be proud of my work. I like writing, I like talking about video games, it's as simple as that. I may not be super analytical, or have the ability (yet?) to deep dive and break games down, but I do like introducing people to new things, and I feel like that's the kind of perspective I write from. I like to tell people what they can expect, what they should avoid, and what the experience is like overall.

That’s about it for now, my store location is apparently opening up on April 27th, still keeping their café portion shut and just essentially doing mobile order and delivery. I’m not sure if I’m going to go back right away but I still have time to decide at least.